Processing Big Feelings

Today was the first time one of the kids expressed sadness and frustration at this virus situation. We spent a lot of times indoors over the winter, so I feel like the kids were kind of adjusted to lots of home time. However, as the sun began to come out more, I know we were all itching for some change.

Elijah (7 years old), was having a bit of a tough morning. We all have those days when it feels like everything keeps going wrong. I held him as he released his big feelings. He then asked when this will be over. He told me he wanted to go to his favorite fun places. Dealing with the unknown is hard for all of us.

After hearing him out and giving him some love, he moved past those feelings and is having a much better day. The boys are playing cars and dinosaurs. We will bake a cookie recipe that Neon picked out. Grandma is going to be over for lunch. After today, friends will be back at their houses again so we can go back to video calling and gaming together. The weather is going to slowly start warming up, although the forecast is all rain.

Looking forward to more of this

I’m aware of the importance validating and empathizing with all the feelings. I’m trying to get my own needs for those things met through my husband, and group chats with friends, so that I can have the energy to hold that space for them. Remembering that my kids are looking to me to set the tone for our home, and I’m trying to keep it fun, interesting, and open for all questions.

A Super Important Mission

Winter (4 years old) was having a tough afternoon. He was overtired and probably hungry looking back on it. He was on full on wild feral mode.

I was trying to put away groceries and start dinner when the eggs I just got at the store dropped and the majority broke. I absolutely need eggs and was frustrated. I sent my husband back to the store to grab some, but he had to take Winter. No way I’d be able to cook dinner with Winter’s state and Dexter while he was gone.

Knowing they were in for a tough trip, I tried to think of a way to set the trip up for success. I pulled Winter to the side and whispered “I have a super secret mission for you.” He was immediately intrigued. I continued, “At the grocery today I forgot something very important that you asked me to put on our list. I forgot Rainbow Ice cream.”

The day before, he had suddenly brought up the Superman ice cream he had eaten at a firefighters fundraiser back in August. He talked about it all day, so I had added some to my list.

Back to our conversation, I told him” Rainbow ice cream isn’t so easy to find sometimes. It’s like a super mission. Do you want to go to the store and help Papa?” His eyes filled with excitement as he started talking about the ice cream again. He was ready to accept his mission. He quickly cooperated in a manner he wasn’t capable of a few minutes before.

I thought the job was done there. I knew they now had their best chance for a smooth trip. But of course, life is rarely like that. I get a panicked text from my husband saying the store doesn’t have any rainbow ice cream like he wants. Thinking in my feet, I tell him to offer rainbow sherbet. That too was quickly rejected. “Superman ice cream has all the colors! ” Winter would say. Mission failed. I told hubby to tell him we would search for a store that carried it this week.

I thought that was that, until I called a few minutes later to see if they were on their way home. Mark and Winter had not accepted their mission defeat so easily however, and they were at a second store. Surprised, I wished them luck.

I finished dinner and served everyone at home, and set plates aside for Mark and Winter. They walked in the door, rainbow ice cream in hand after THREE stores. Winter ran to me to tell me he had completed his mission, and helped Papa not to forget what he came to the store for too!

I’ve never purchased a bucket of ice cream like this for our home before. We usually go for more homemade ice cream, but I looked at it and thought about how hard my husband worked to make sure Winter got it. I think about how determined Winter was to get it, and how having a goal turned his mood around. I am thankful that I bent down and offered that connection to him amidst the chaos and frustration I was feeling, and likely he was feeling too.

Working on my Triggers

I spent some time at the nature playscape, enjoying fresh air with the kids. We were playing, climbing, and exploring.

Everyone was having a good time, until my daughter just wasn’t. She was frustrated with her brother not playing a game she set up for them in a way that she intended. She was having some big emotions. I sat down and talked it through with her.

She wasn’t exactly happy, but she went back to play. Then she scraped her finger. Hailey has always felt little hurts as big hurts. She feels deeply. The hurt added on top of her already big feelings sent her over the top. I could tell that this tipped her into a sensory meltdown.

Papa stayed with the boys, while I took her over to get some space and sit down. She was feeling her big emotions and I tried to comfort her. I know from experience, she has to fully feel her emotions, often loudly, almost inconsolably. She will not be distracted, or persuaded from them. In a way, it’s admirable, to truly honor where you are at and what you feel.

I rubbed her back, listened, validated. Her sobs were loud. We had moved away from the playscape, but the people nearby definitely heard her. This is my trigger. I feel like everyone is looking at us, thinking bad things, wishing she’d be quiet, judging my parenting. I hear society’s voices in my head. “Children should be seen not heard.” “Stop crying, it’s no big deal.” I have flashbacks to all the times my own mother struggled with us having big emotions in public. It was her trigger, and now it’s mine.

I’ve spent years working on accepting that all emotions have a place, and that none are bad. I know happiness isn’t the only emotion worth feeling. I know denying sadness and anger do not make them go away. I know what it looks like when someone buries their feelings until they can’t anymore and then explode in rage. I know the shame of being told you’re being too sensitive.

In the minutes I’m sitting with my daughter, I hold all these thoughts. I acknowledge them, and remind myself to breathe. I think to myself that these strangers opinions of me, are not more important than my child’s opinion of me. I remind myself that my daughter feels all the emotions and then is just suddenly ready to move on, and that this will be over soon.

In a few minutes, we are talking about the trees, then tossing little sticks at them to see if we can hit them left handed. A few more minutes, and some giggles later, Hailey and papa are checking for bugs under bark.

Was the rest of the the a breeze? No, it was pretty clear that Hailey was feeling a little heavy today, maybe not as rested or something is else going on. Later on, she got hurt again and we quickly headed home. I predict the rest of the day will involve cuddles, rest, and comfort food. Today was challenging, but I’m grateful to recognize and work on my triggers.

Expectations

I have come to realize that many so called “problems” are only problems because I have made them that way. That is, the “problem” is created because I have unrealistic expectations. Expectations of my husband, daughter, friends, or just life in general. When I take a good honest look at these expectations and reevaluate them, I often find the problem never really existed in the first place, or at least not to the degree I was making it to be.

I don’t really like this understanding though, because it kind of puts me as responsible for my feelings…ack! I guess that means I can choose to change my expectations and often the problem may dissipate completely, or at least seem significantly less important.

I will use a current example from my life for relevancy. My husband builds and fixes computers as a side job/hobby. It is not uncommon for us to have multiple computers in various states of disarray throughout the house. We have a small house, which leaves very little room for him to put projects he is currently working on. I usually ask him to store stuff in the basement that he isn’t going to get to for a few days. It is kind of a pain to carry all this stuff downstairs and then back up again, so sometimes he leaves it out to get to tomorrow.

I also have a very curious 3-year-old. When the computer get left out he can only hold himself back for so long before he really wants to try to fix it himself. Push this button, grab that part, use the computer as a step stool…. you get the point. Understandably, his Papa doesn’t really want him to do that. So two unrealistic expectations are occurring here.

The first is the expectation that a curious toddler is going to be able to leave something that is very cool looking, something that he sees his Papa messing with often, alone for an extended period of time. He tired, he really does, but eventually he will give into that toddler desire. He means no harm, but he still has a lot of maturing to do on that self-control thing.

The second unrealistic expectation is that I should be able to keep him off of the computers all day so that my hubby doesn’t have to lug it all downstairs and back up again. I try too, I really do. But, I have a house to take care of, games to play with the kids, a baby to nurse, and Facebook to scroll through research to complete.

If I or my husband holds rigidly to these expectations, then we are going to inevitably feel upset and angered. The problem is the expectations. The reality is clear. The computers need put away for everyone’s sake and the problem is solved.

Point being, examine those expectations. Are they realistic? Can you look past the feelings of frustration that something isn’t being done how you want, and just look for a solution? Not always easy, but for me, it alleviates a ton of stress that doesn’t have to be there.